Half-Baked
by MakoHeadrush
Summary: Reno and Cloud get completely wasted on some good Wutaian weed, and realize...there is something living in their couch. Inspired by a conversation with PrincessTurk. Established Cloud/Reno relationship, warnings for language (a lot of it - this is Reno!) and references to drug use. One-shot, crack fic.


**Summary: Crackfic! Reno and Cloud get completely wasted on some good Wutaian weed, and realize...there is something living in their couch. Inspired by a conversation with PrincessTurk. Gods, it's a scary thing when we put our heads together!**

 **Established Cloud/Reno relationship, warnings for language (a lot of it - this is Reno!) and references to drug use.**

 **Disclaimer: Don't own them, wish I did - Squeenix owns all. This is written for fun and not profit.**

* * *

"Cloud...baby, pass it over, would ya?" Reno playfully nudged the swordsman in the side, seated next to him upon the Turk's shop-worn and ratty old couch. It was comfortable enough, but the piece of furniture had definitely seen better days. And Reno could well afford a _new_ couch - Turks were compensated very well, after all - but it was simply one of those things he hadn't gotten around to yet.

"Come on, yo," Reno hissed. "Don't bogart it." The object in question was a tightly rolled joint, filled with Wutai's finest herb, and the joint was by now down to a nub. Cloud's eyes narrowed playfully at Reno as he sucked in the last dregs of the weed, the cherry-ember of the ash glowing bright orange before quickly sputtering out.

"It's done," Cloud declared, smirking, stubbing the dead joint out in an ashtray. Reno jabbed Cloud in the side again - harder this time, not so lighthearted.

"Asshole," Reno growled, though his lips curved into a smirk to match Cloud's as well. "Told ya not to hog it - "

"We've got more," Cloud replied indifferently, nodding toward the plastic baggie full of herb that was on the table in front of them, next to a package of rolling papers. "Make us another."

"I should make _you_ do it, ya fucker," Reno retorted, crossing his arms across his chest. "You hogged that fucking joint all to yourself."

"You roll better than I do," Cloud countered, chuckling. The weed was beginning to affect him; he felt happy, stupid, and his head rolled around as he leaned sideways, resting on Reno's shoulder.

"Come on, please? Make us another one," Cloud pleaded, lightly running his fingertips over Reno's forearm. The request was met with a low, throaty growl from Reno. God damn, Cloud knew how to play him sometimes.

"Hmpf. How am I gonna say no to that?" Reno slurred, leaning into Cloud for a clumsy kiss as he reached for his stash and rolling papers. As he shifted his weight on the beaten, lumpy couch, Reno's half-lidded eyes shot open as he heard a very distinctive squeak followed by a high pitched _Kupo!_

"Gods, this is some good shit we're smoking, Cloud," Reno snorted. "I swear to Shiva, I'm hearing Moogles now - "

"Stop. _Shut up_ \- " Cloud put his finger to his lips to silence Reno. "I...I heard it too," he whispered. At least he wasn't the only one hearing it - knowing that gave Cloud some small comfort in his mind, knowing he wasn't going crazy.

Probably.

 _Kupo! Kupo! Kupo!_

"The hell?" Reno's mood had shifted slightly from dazed and amused, to confused and annoyed. "What - where the fuck is it, then?" Blood-shot eyes blinked as he glanced around the room, looking overhead, half expecting to see a Moogle flying up toward the ceiling.

Cloud gasped in surprise as he felt the cushions beneath him move. "Shit - something just grabbed my ass!" He sprang from the couch with a cry, smashing his shin against the coffee table as he stumbled into it, reflexes dulled thanks to the weed.

"Ow! Fuck," Cloud cursed, rubbing his leg. Reno staggered to his feet as well, wobbly as a newborn foal testing out its legs.

"Whoa...s'spinning..." Reno muttered, grabbing onto Cloud's arm. Both nearly fell back into the couch together, and Cloud shot Reno a dirty look.

"Why're you grabbing onto me?" Cloud protested. "I'm...high. Really fucking high."

"So'm I, _duh_!" Reno retorted, reaching for his mag-rod that was propped up against the wall. "...we're both pretty fucked up, I guess," the Turk admitted ruefully.

" _RENO_ ," Cloud poked his lover's arm hard, and Reno yelped.

"Quit pokin!" The Turk snapped. "What?"

"...there," Cloud pointed, voice dropping to a near whisper. "See it? The couch. It's...moving."

"Don't be stupid, Cloud," Reno snapped. "There's no way that the couch - " He blinked once. Twice. Reno rubbed his eyes, and blinked again.

"...no way that the couch can be moving," Reno finished dumbly, though there was no denying what he saw - what they _both_ saw.

"Shit. It _is_ moving." Both said in unison. Reno strapped the mag-rod to his wrist and began poking at the lump that was moving back and forth on one of the back cushions.

"KU- _PO_!" The response from the lump was agitated, annoyed.

"Yo. Cloud. There's a fucking Moogle in the couch," Reno announced.

"No shit, detective Reno," Cloud snapped sarcastically. The pleasant edge of his high was fading fast, and even faster now that they had a problem to deal with.

"But - how'd he get in there?" Reno was on all fours now, poking the rod under the couch, ass hanging out of his pants. If Cloud had been in a hornier mood, such a sight might have been quite the temptation, but right now the blond was merely going from mellow to very pissed off.

"Probably attracted to all the goddamned kupo nuts you snack on and drop in between the cushions," Cloud shot back. Reno's ass was pointing up now, he was halfway under the couch trying to grab at the creature, and Cloud was sorely tempted to kick the Turk in the rear.

"Cloud, man...you're really bringing me down, man," Reno complained from beneath the couch. "You're harshing my mellow. Help me get this bastard out, damn it!"

"Well - get out from _under_ there, first of all," Cloud said firmly, tugging at Reno's sleeve. "Gotta move the couch, I can't do that with you under there. Idiot."

"I heard that!" Reno gave Cloud a dirty look as he emerged, dust bunnies stuck in the crimson spikes of his hair, making him look absolutely ludicrous.

"Good," Cloud replied, pleased. A chorus of _Kupo! Kupo! Kupo!_ started again, each one louder than the last.

"Poor bastard's stuck in there," Reno muttered, helping Cloud to pull the couch away from the wall. Still, nothing emerged, and Reno pulled the bottom cushions out, chucking them onto the floor. He began poking again at the interior of the couch with his mag-rod, snarling upon hearing each cry of _kupo! kupo! kupo!_

"Get out of there you piece of shit!' Reno shouted, dropping to all fours once again as he saw the elusive prey hiding behind a coiled spring. "Oh, you're a big fucker!"

"You're scaring it!" Cloud chided Reno. "Don't be an asshole."

"Good! He's in my couch and he needs to get the fuck out, he _should_ be scared!' Reno snapped, eyes blazing angrily.

"Your couch is scary enough to sit upon, never mind being trapped _inside_ of it," Cloud remarked, rolling his eyes. "Move." Cloud crossed the room, then walked back over, sword in hand.

"Shit, I wasn't gonna kill it!" Reno drew back, face going pale. Cloud frowned at him, shaking his head.

"No..." Cloud ran the blade slowly and carefully over the edge of the fabric, near the seat. "I'm cutting the couch open. So he can get out."

Reno gasped, horrified. "No! Not my couch!" he wailed, reaching out a hand to the hilt of Cloud's sword, stopping him from making the cut. "I love that couch!"

"It's a piece of shit," Cloud replied evenly. "You're due for a new one anyway."

"But – but – but…. Rude helped me pick that out," Reno protested futilely. "It's the first piece of furniture I bought, when I got my first paycheck."

"And how long ago was that?" Cloud inquired mildly, teetering back and forth as his senses fogged over once again, still high as hell from the weed. "Shit...everything's moving..."

"You're a damn killjoy, Cloud," Reno said grumpily. "Seriously. I was having a good time, and then - "

"Listen, I'm sorry, but we have to get that moogle out," Cloud pointed out. "And I'll help you pick out a new couch."

"S'long as you help me break it in properly," Reno counter-offered with a grin.

"Fine," Cloud replied, chuckling. "Pervert. Can I _do_ this now?"

"Yeah..." Reno sounded sad and deflated as he replied. "I guess so..." Cloud's eyes focused and he blinked twice, drawing the blade quickly through the fabric, careful not to slice into the moving little lump. A purple wing appeared through the rip; then another.

A little Moogle emerged, just a baby, really, not much bigger than a housecat. It blinked curiously at Cloud, then shifted its gaze to Reno - then back again.

"Kupo?" the creature cried softly and tearfully. " _Kupo_!" The Moogle beat its little crumpled up wings furiously, the breeze blowing Reno's rolling papers and weed clear off of the table. It flew several feet above their heads, circling around Cloud.

"Hey! My stash!" Reno cried, lunging toward his precious weed. "Fuckin' jerk!"

"Kupo! _Mama_!" The moogle bleated, gazing longingly toward Cloud. "Mama!"

"Oh gods, no..." Cloud moaned. "It thinks I'm its mother! No, ah, Kupo - my name is Cloud. I'm not - not your mother. "

"Fucking Shiva on a pogo stick. I don't fucking _believe_ this." Reno fumbled for his pack of smokes, shaking his head. His grimace turned into a smirk as the baby moogle orbited Cloud's head, softly calling out to him.

" _Kupo! Kupo! Mama_ …."

Reno laughed out loud at Cloud's exasperated expression. "Well…I always wondered if I'd settle down and have a family," the Turk remarked, dodging the couch cushion Cloud chucked at him. "Didn't quite picture it this way."

"Shut _up_ , Reno," Cloud shot back. "And call Reeve. Tell him I have a new friend for him."


End file.
